We didn’t win. Our musical was executed perfectly. Mind-boggling harmonies. Perfectly executed choreography. Timing of joke delivery beyond excellent. All by HIGH SCHOOLERS. When I saw we came in under time, I put my head against the wall and started sobbing violently. I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of anything in my entire life. I then told them how they did and...
Tomorrow, I head to a conference with 25 insanely talented high school theater kids. We will present Act 1 of our musical as part of a statewide competition. We won the competition two years ago. Last year, we were finalists. I’m hoping to once again emerge victorious. Say a prayer to the theater gods for ol’ Longo, lads and lasses. The hearts of twenty-five children have been...
Moments In The Classroom
Me: “So you see, if you have the amount of amperage in the fuse, you can find the number of 100 watt lamps you can plug into the circuit, because the voltage from American power companies is constant, for the sake of the problems that we will be dealing with in class. Now—” *Student A raises his hand* Me: “Yes, Student A?” Student A: “The new Pokemon...
In Pursuit of Bodily Pleasures
If I’d been smarter as a wide-eyed youth in pursuit of bodily pleasures, I would have aspired to become a kindergarten teacher. No one in this world gets more ass than a well-dressed male kindergarten teacher in his 20s. None. At the bar, the next time a girl asks you what you do for a living, tell them you teach kindergarten. Watch their panties spontaneously combust before you eyes. ...
One day, I’ll offer to take a girl on a romantic helicopter ride during the sunset. And as we approach the helicopter, she’ll say, in her best Arnold voice, “GET TO DE CHOPPAH!!” And on that day, I will propose.
Anonymous asked: How old are you? What do you do for a living?
I’m directing a high school production of a musical. This will likely be the last play or musical I direct for a while, since I’m transitioning into focusing more on writing. Directing is like a relationship: it’s so awful and painful and full of ego balancing and compromise and a million questions that need answering and a never-ending saga of mayhem, torture, sleep...
All heterosexual men have lusted sexually after the following men: 1. Ryan Gosling 2. Khal Drogo from Game of Thrones 3. Jason Statham 4. Any of the members of Seal Team 6 5. Arnold Schwarzenegger (1982-1991) 6. Jack Nicholson (1967-present) 7. Ron Swanson
There’s a girl named Christmas in my class. One day the bell was about to ring, and she was all the way down the hall. I sang “Please Chriiiiiistmas doooooon’t be laaaaaaate!” I can’t wait for a year’s worth of awful Christmas puns.
If I encountered Jennifer Lawrence in public, here are the two possibilities of what I’d say to her. 1. “Ms. Lawrence, I’d just like to tell you that you were brilliant in Winter’s Bone. You’re one of the best actors of your generation, and I really look forward to what you have in store for us. Have a great day.” 2. “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!!!”
I ordered twenty nuggets and two large fries at Chik-Fil-A and sat at the booth. Someone I recognized came up to say hello and asked “You’re meeting someone here?” I said “No.” Pause. She looked at my food. Then back at me. Back at food. Back at me. I grab three nuggets and slide them whole down my gullet. When I burp, it smells of seasoning. She...
The Iron Gym
I look like such a boss with my Iron Gym sitting in the corner of my room. I even dust it once a week so it looks like it’s being used.
Obama isn’t like Hitler. The Tampa Bay offensive line that didn’t give Freeman a chance to eke three more points out of Mike Williams… That line is like five Hitlers. Five large black Hitlers.
I do film criticism on the side, and my blog, http://thepasswordisswordfish.com, has been featured on the front page of Wordpress for around 15 hours or so now. This has caused record traffic to my site, which pleases me greatly. Just thought I’d brag. The Password Is Swordfish has been a humble operation for roughly 3 years now, so I am happy with this turn of events. Next I’ll...