GChats With Jon: Tim Tebow
Background: Jon is Jewish and loves everything about Jews. He attended Duke with me, where Jon Scheyer, Duke player and Jewish basketball champion, was his idol. He also vigorously hates Tim Tebow, who is from my hometown. Jon: mark my words tebow will be the next sandusky me: HATE HATE HATE ALL HE DOES IS WIN YOU SO MAD HE AINT A JEW HAHAHAHAHA Jon: dude is garbage and its too bad his...
This girl just mocked me for being excited about the new Muppet movie. I didn’t tell her that she was fated to die alone and miserable for being a sad heartless bitch.
Bob Costas’ interview with Jerry Sandusky got me to thinking. The man SOUNDS like a molester. Like if you didn’t know anything about him, you’d think he tries to have sex with little kids. Every line delivery during the interview sounded like him basking in a post-molestation glow. It’s super-unnerving. Which led me to thinking: do you get that kind of voice BECAUSE...
jusky: The most obvious miracles to be found on the planet earth are photosynthesis and cheese.
My Brother Is In This Trailer →
A child in class today shouted to another, “SHUT YOUR GINGER MOUTH.” It was meant playfully (the two are friends), but there was such venom applied to the word GINGER that it felt painful. He wasn’t shouting, “Shut your mouth, someone who happens to also be a ginger.” He was shouting, “Shut your mouth because you are a ginger and are thus inferior to...
In Tech Theater, I asked my kids what a special is. Simple definition: it’s a single light that shines on a particular place on the stage different than others. One student’s definition on a quiz: “SERVED DURING A RESTAURANT’S LUNCH HOURS.” I know this kid. He wasn’t trying to be funny. Special, indeed.
Nails on a Chalkboard
Teachers don’t do nails on a chalkboard because it sounds bad. Teachers do nails on a chalkboard because it sounds like gentle violin chords compared to the sounds of 25 high school students talking at once. It’s meant to soothe the teacher’s ears.
This afternoon, I paid money to see the new Justin Timberlake movie. When I exited the theater, Heavy D was dead. I blame myself.
Public breastfeeding is a beautiful, natural thing. Don’t get angry at it. Similarly, don’t get angry when I’m with a lovely woman in a restaurant and I public penis-feed her.
Lesson For Your Children
Whenever you’ve forgotten your homework, or you’re late to school, or you just need any excuse for anything, always go with “explosive diarrhea.” Say it as often as possible. “Billy, this is your third tardy this week.” “Sorry, Ms. Griffin, this morning I had explosive diarrhea. I couldn’t get out of the bathroom because my violent, explosive...
The play is over. The experience left a bitter cynical man’s heart warm and his eyes misty. My tweets will likely suck more than usual the next few days as I coast on this emotional high.
Dreams of the Mentally Deranged
Last night, I dreamt about my play. But not just about my play. I dreamt that I was having a dream about the play, then I woke up and went to the play and told everyone I had a dream about the play, and then I actually woke up. I feel like I was incepted. And I didn’t even get any bad 1980s-style gay snowmobile chases.
This play has now consumed my life. I work 12 hours a day. I come home with zero energy, and yet I still manage to think only about things for this play. I hum the harmonies all day. Every single part. I know them all. I do the small tap dance part in class while teaching. All. The. Time. I spend my planning period and my home life promoting this play, hoping people will show up (in...