Sweating like a boss after ten minutes of consecutive shuffling. It’s called being a goddamn champion
The bar I’m at is hosting a wedding reception tonight. New Year’s Eve. Naturally, I crashed. I wrote in the guest book, “Tim and Lauren, congrats on the wedding! Frank Longo.” A man in a tuxedo came up to me, likely because my denim shirt didn’t match everyone’s tuxes. He said, “Who are you?” I said, “Frank Longo! Who are you?” He...
How Life Works
A girl started following me on Twitter. I live tweeted my first Dungeons & Dragons experience. The same girl unfollowed me less than 12 hours later on Twitter. *cries into Player’s Handbook*
Luck Off: My weekend in DC →
goluckyourself: Things I accomplished: Met so many people I’ve been dying to meet. Drank with the internet. Ate with the internet. Got to see Azzman’s dick. Danced on a table. Slept in a stranger’s bed. Baked a casserole with Erika. 56 eggs. Walked through the hood with Jeff, Erika, Matt and Matt’s… The bit about the Ying Yang Twins just made me die laughing. Hell of a...
So today I tweeted about my “broed” trip, my 11 hour road trip with my brother from DC to FL. One of my brother’s tweet, about me getting brofiled by a broliceman, is 100% accurate. My brother is a dirty hippie, and he drives a dirty hippie car. He hasn’t washed it since he worked as a maintenance worker in the Grand Tetons this summer, and the driver’s side window...
Christmas Gift Suggestion
If you’re shopping for a man and don’t know what to get him, consider this: Never once, in the history of Man, has a man of any age ever said, “Well, I didn’t really want a Nerf gun.”
OH MY GOD YES YES SIX STORY TOM CRUISE YES YES YES SIX STORY PAULA PATTON CLEAVAGE DOUBLE YES EVERYTHING ABOUT TOM CRUISE I UNABASHEDLY AND UNIRONICALLY LOVE I HAVE A CRUISE BONER AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT YESSSSSSsSSdSDSSSDsd
RAPPING HAPPENS AT BRUNCHPOCALYPSE. Shout out to everyone, especially Hadzilla, the brother from another mother.
I farted on an escalator today. A loud, awful fart. I slowly turned around to see if anyone was behind me. I met the gaze of a 50-year-old Asian woman. Pretty sure this is how supervillains are created.
A Current List of Every Movie I've Seen in 2011
Plus a letter grade. The Adjustment Bureau: D The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn: A Attack the Block: A Battle: Los Angeles: F- The Beaver: C Beginners: A Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son: F Bridesmaids: B Captain America: The First Avenger: B+ Cars 2: D+ Cave of Forgotten Dreams: A Cedar Rapids: B- Colombiana: C+ Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop: C Contagion:...
HOW TO GET AN A ON A PAPER
By a real life high school teacher. This is advice for you, your children, and your friend’s children. 1. FILL THE PAGE REQUIREMENT. If they say it’s two pages, you damn well better FILL two pages. Write some into a third if possible. If they say it’s four, write ALL THE WAY TO THE END of the fourth page. If it’s a word requirement, make the word count on the nose....
Trolleycat loses herself in the music.