August 2011
52 posts
I'd Love To Talk to Y'all On Google Plus
But I’m hanging out with my REAL friends tonight. They’re all contestants on The Bachelorette, and tonight, they’re telling ALL.
BENTLEY IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE.
July 2011
40 posts
This is really hard for me to admit.
emmadragon:
But here it goes:
I have a beard fetish. Nice beards are attractive as fuck. It’s like, I won’t even look at your face. I’ll just stare at your beard and imagine myself playing with it. Living in it. Scratching it.
And then when you shave it off, I’m like Oh. That sucks. My heart’s broken now.
I hope you guys won’t judge me and accept me for who I am. Thanks.
MORE WOMEN...
DAMMIT
I WAS OUT DRINKING AND FORGOT TO GO TO THE SMURFS MIDNIGHT PREMIERE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Self-Assessment
Several jokes that normally get laughs didn’t get laughs. First time recording myself in a while… first time I get into a verbal dialogue with a 14-year-old… first time I chide a 14-year-old for not laughing at a joke… first time a heckler shouted out at me… first time I mis-identify the person who shouted out in the house.
Yikes.
@EmpPalp and @juskewitch did well...
Some Of You Have Love In Your Lives
Some of you have love in your lives.
Some of you have a man or woman who looks into your eyes, smiles at you, and makes you feel like you have purpose.
Some of you have jobs that fulfill you and give you pride when you serve your civic duty.
Some of you have children that are your whole world, and life never had meaning until you saw your offspring smile.
Some of you have homes that give...
Standup in DC/tomorrow night
First of all, even though @EmpPalp is followed by everyone already, know that I’ve seen what he’s planning for standup and it will probably kill, so you should be following him if you aren’t.
Second of all, I had no idea so many tweeters either live in DC or are close to the more popular DC tweeters. I look forward to meeting most of you in hopefully the near future.
Thirdly...
Your Shitty Movie Idea.
Please don’t tell me your shitty movie idea. Please don’t. Please spare me the agony and the stomach-turning awkwardness of having to sit there and pretend to be interested.
Please stop right there. I have enough shitty movie ideas of my own. I could be developing those shitty movie ideas into screenplays instead of listening to your shitty movie idea. Please just allow me to walk...
Top 10 Favorite Books
Question: how many issues of Entertainment Weekly count as one book?
Questions I've Been Asked On Tumblr
According to the several questions I’ve received in the LONGO QUERIES section, there are a whole lot of anonymous people that I’ve apparently always wanted to see naked.
How do you Tumblr people know me so well already?
A Dialogue With Myself About Comedians I Encounter
NOTE: This is a true story.
*waits in line for brunch at Peel in NYC this weekend, spots two familiar guys in front of me*
Oh shit. That’s Nick Kroll and John Mulaney.
These two guys are hysterical. The character work, the improv skills, the stand-up. The talent is absurd. I admire these guys a great deal.
… should I say something to them?
No. Come on, Frank, don’t be...
Behold, My Seersucker Shorts!
O Zeus, hath thou granted an Eighth Wonder into this modern world?
Don’t stare too long, for like a solar eclipse, a prolonged gaze at my seersucker short being worn by yours truly may cause retinal damage. Not to mention your heart will ne’er belong to another.
Feast your eyes upon the button and belt loops, so sophisticated, so elegant, so baby blue and white. They cling to my...
If I Had A Billion Dollars
I’d pay Nancy Grace whatever it takes to make out with Casey Anthony for an hour.
Everyone has a price.
Then I’d pay for a guy to invent a time machine, send Nancy Grace back to the Cretaceous Period, and watch her get chased by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. I guess I’d also have to pay a camera man to videotape it and then come back to present times. I’d also have to buy an HD...
toneloaf:
Fun drinking game: put on a Scorsese film, any one, and when someone says the “n-word,” do a shot. You’ll be wasted in 7 minutes flat.
No One Should Give A Shit That I Turned 26.
I’m all for having a good time on my birthday. Tonight’s shindig (all DC readers, please refer to my previous Tumblr post) will be a damn good time.
But please stop pretending like 26 is an important age, everybody.
Everyone keeps coming up to me like “So you’re finally 26!” or “Hey, look who’s 26 today?” or “The big Two Six! How’s...
DC readers: my birthday.
I’ll certainly have birthday thoughts to share after my Breaking Bad Season 3 marathon concludes. But if you’re in the DMV area and staring at a dull and dreary Friday night, come to Recessions on L St NW. I’ll be there from 9 to 1:30 with some friends singing karaoke and making a drunken ass of myself. Should be a wonder to behold. Any Twitter/Tumblr followers that come through,...
A MONOLOGUE WRITTEN BY MY BATHMAT
Don’t think I’ve forgotten.
I’m watching you. Every private moment. Every time you think you’re alone.
You disgust me.
You trim your toenails, never even remotely concerned about whether the clippings make it into the trash can or toilet. I have miniscule fractions of your dead keratin lodged deep within my fabric, waiting to stab any innocent passerby who places...
What Happens At An Open Mic
Not all open mics are this way. But many in my experience are. Last night, the following all really happened, which seemed about right for a typical open mic experience.
1. Roughly 30-35 people arrive. This isn’t one of those “well-known” open mics, so this is pretty par for the course. It’s at an actual comedy place, not a bar, so there are fewer people, but at least...
Darfur.
It’s best not to close your stand-up set with that great bit about Darfur you wrote.
JOHN WINGSPAN: PARROT TURNED HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR
CHIEF OF POLICE:
Alright, John, we’ve got a man on the seventeenth floor with six hostages. He hasn’t asked for anything yet, but he’s screaming and clearly depressed. We’re afraid he may do something drastic.
JOHN WINGSPAN:
AWK, SEVENTEENTH FLOOR!
CHIEF OF POLICE:
That’s right, John. We called you in because… well, because you’re the best. We need...
REMINDERS YOU'RE IN VIRGINIA:
At 1 PM today, I wake up to the sound of fireworks. My neighbors shot off fireworks for a solid 90 minutes at lunchtime on a sunny hot day. I imagined walking over and having a conversation with them:
Frank Longo: Excuse me?
Virginian Neighbor: AMERICA!
FL: Yes, hi. I see you have a case of Milwaukee’s Best there.
VN: WE CALL IT THE BEAST, BECAUSE BEST SOUNDS LIKE BEAST. ALSO, IT...
“Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.”
– Kim Kardashian 